Lockdown 2020

I just came across this poem I wrote about my experience of our first level 4 lockdown. Time has come to share it..

LOCKDOWN 2020

Covid 19 lockdown
Covid 19 hunker down
Covid 19 rahui   protected space
Post bubbles
Covid bubbles

Thrown into your own
Space     wide open
Space     spare space
What had seemed a
Good space
For so many years
A cloud free space

Now propelled into
A grief space
           Grief, grief, hole
            Space, pain
            Abandoned
            Grief space
            Alone space
Not belonging
Not enough
Outsider
No connection
No connection
With myself
Space

Uncertainty and fear
All around me
Everywhere
Every where
This brain no longer
         Coping
         Handling
         Resilient
Irascible
In chaos
Flailing arms
             And eyes
                    And FB events
                            And everyone
    Is shouting
          Come to me!
                      I’ll save you with
           My irresistible
                  Exciting
                         Deeply nourishing
Exercises
              Meditations
                          Healings
                               Business plans
You can be successful
       Happy
                       Rich
                                    Secure!
            Untouched
            Unflappable
            Relaxed
            Resilient
            A saviour…..  !

BUT     MY     CLOUD  
    My heavy blanket upon waking
                                             IS
              BACK

My heart was broken
                        broken

                        broken

So            what now?
   Another layer to address?
   More layers to heal?
                      …

Wait
There’s a glimpse
                     a hint     in
        the bathroom
I just caught it…. just
                                        then  
By the door frame
                   Just a glimmer

THIS
               My dear friend will
                  Take me, by the hand
                      If I let it, to
            The place (whose
             Only task it is….. )

             To the place
             And the time
            And the moment
 Where the running
        In circles
                        Stops
Where answers don’t cut it
Any more
Where even looking
              For answers is
    Looking in the wrong
               Direction

This is the time for
                             Questions
Questions that take me
Deeper
      All the way to where
I know
                   I
                           Am
                                       Enough

        All the way to where
I know
   my body knows
               the one,
                    (the only!)
                         next
                             step
                               I can,
                                   I need
                                     to take

(Written 05/04/2020
In my little house… my refuge, during my bedbug-infested, heartbroken 2020 Covid 19 level 4 lockdown)

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