The other day
when the grief of the world
grabbed you by the throat
crushed your heart
and shredded your gut in anguish
there was only one question:
how do you respond to this?
how can you even be with this?

Next…
in the blink
of an eye..

when you knew
you are made of
earth, water, air and fire,

you are made
of stardust,
of clouds, rivers, oceans,
of trees, plants
       and fungi,

that moment
you knew:

all creatures
       legged, winged, finned
                and more
are your brothers and sisters

your mind
       has no boundaries,
your open heart and
your deep
soft belly
are the ground
        of your being

that moment you knew
the answer to your question,
right there:

be love

do whatever
calls you
and
be love

(revised 22/03/23)

I just came across this poem I wrote about my experience of our first level 4 lockdown. Time has come to share it..

LOCKDOWN 2020

Covid 19 lockdown
Covid 19 hunker down
Covid 19 rahui   protected space
Post bubbles
Covid bubbles

Thrown into your own
Space     wide open
Space     spare space
What had seemed a
Good space
For so many years
A cloud free space

Now propelled into
A grief space
           Grief, grief, hole
            Space, pain
            Abandoned
            Grief space
            Alone space
Not belonging
Not enough
Outsider
No connection
No connection
With myself
Space

Uncertainty and fear
All around me
Everywhere
Every where
This brain no longer
         Coping
         Handling
         Resilient
Irascible
In chaos
Flailing arms
             And eyes
                    And FB events
                            And everyone
    Is shouting
          Come to me!
                      I’ll save you with
           My irresistible
                  Exciting
                         Deeply nourishing
Exercises
              Meditations
                          Healings
                               Business plans
You can be successful
       Happy
                       Rich
                                    Secure!
            Untouched
            Unflappable
            Relaxed
            Resilient
            A saviour…..  !

BUT     MY     CLOUD  
    My heavy blanket upon waking
                                             IS
              BACK

My heart was broken
                        broken

                        broken

So            what now?
   Another layer to address?
   More layers to heal?
                      …

Wait
There’s a glimpse
                     a hint     in
        the bathroom
I just caught it…. just
                                        then  
By the door frame
                   Just a glimmer

THIS
               My dear friend will
                  Take me, by the hand
                      If I let it, to
            The place (whose
             Only task it is….. )

             To the place
             And the time
            And the moment
 Where the running
        In circles
                        Stops
Where answers don’t cut it
Any more
Where even looking
              For answers is
    Looking in the wrong
               Direction

This is the time for
                             Questions
Questions that take me
Deeper
      All the way to where
I know
                   I
                           Am
                                       Enough

        All the way to where
I know
   my body knows
               the one,
                    (the only!)
                         next
                             step
                               I can,
                                   I need
                                     to take

(Written 05/04/2020
In my little house… my refuge, during my bedbug-infested, heartbroken 2020 Covid 19 level 4 lockdown)

Descending into a
deep, still, connected place,
leaving behind
the chattering mind,
and finding nature as
the embodied presence
of the divine,
the foundation of life,
it becomes clear
in a flash of
peace and clarity
that there is no problem,
there is nothing I can
or need to do
to solve
or improve
anything

When all is said
and done
the only thing
that makes any sense
is to follow
the delicate thread
that connects
my body
to my
soul

As I walked into ‘her patch’,
she sped away
from the watering bowl,

but only to rest, for a moment,
on the netting pole
in a vege bed
close by,
beady eyes
intently
watching me ..
 
Stopping,
I invited her back
to her bath,
a mere meter away,
just a soft sideways glance,
holding my breath

she returned
bravely,
and splattered
and splashed
ducking under,
fluttering and
spluttering
time and time again
drops flying
everywhere
not taking
that much notice
of me …

joy and delight,
a moment of freedom
and safety
together

Soft and gentle rain
Finds it way
Through the forest
Gulleys
And cracks
To the seed
That has not seen
The light of day,
Deeply buried
Under stories
And other protective
Layers,
Since the day
These were created

Delicate gentle rain,
Reaching
The seed that
Finally feels
The nourishing care
And welcome
And knows it is safe
To respond and
To start showing its
Full
Tender and
Vibrant
Self,
As nature
Intended it to be
All along

Opening your heart
to remembering,
receiving
divine love and grace

nature responds
in abundant generosity,
raining down
bubbling up
from all directions

the air you breathe,
a breeze,
the sun’s warmth
kissing your skin
through a patchy clouded
blue sky
trees’ soothing presence,
flowers’ beauty galore,
colours everywhere
a feast for your eyes

the texture of
grass, sand, sea and river,
under your feet
 
birds’ chitter-chattering,
their wings fluttering,
swishing, swooping or
silently riding
an airstream

and as if that wasn’t enough,
a deep well of stillness
filling your every cell
to overflowing,
magnified by
a touching of gentle souls
at the cow shed..

tasting life in slow motion,
you know
in your bones
grace abounds
all round

When I
once again
stopped looking
outside myself
and re-membered
the radical
experience
that love
is what’s left
when I let go
of everything
that I am not

and allowed myself
to welcome
the inherent
basic goodness
of simply being
here

I found beauty
and belonging
and connection..
I found love

in the blackbird
feeding worms
to her nearly fully grown
baby, right by my
hands in the soil

in the picnic on a beach
with a friend,
under the pinks, reds
and oranges
of a summer solstice
sunset sky

in this warm soft body
awake and aware
of the first little
chortles of a tui
heralding a new
sun-rise

and in every
breathing
living
thing

Soft pinks
Powder blues
Yellows, whites and grey
Shifting, sliding,
Subtly but
Unmistakably
Changing
Into a canvas
Of fiery ribbons
And layers
Against which the
Birds’ end of day
Chattering
Slowly peters out
Then suddenly drops away..

And all that’s left
Is colours
And stillness
And soft open
Peacefulness..
And life
Is good

Being and doing well together
in the time of lockdown two..

out of rhythm
with old familiar
patterns of living life
together
that now
seem to be
ripping us apart at the seams,
in spite of finding ourselves
as a team of 5 million
thrust into an
altogether different
experience of togetherness

previously unappreciated
apparent freedoms
to be who we are / I am
and do what we want / I want,
take an unfamiliar
but familiar turn
(‘cos we know lockdown
by now, right?)
when we are thrown
back on our own
resources,
or lack of them,
into our own
sometimes solitary
bubbles

showing up
where our
togetherness
seems to be
a myth,
showing up
where and why
this being and doing
well together
seems to be
an urgent call
to slow down,
to show up and listen
to notice with care
to respond with kindness,
and welcome
ourselves,
our family and friends,
our neighbours
our communities
and our planet
to truly
be well
together
and be the well
together
for each other

On opening
the black box
to find who I am
in climate change
I see light…
light, warm
love

flowing, swirling, radiant
from the still point
of the universe to
every corner
crevice, hollow
every plant, animal
human being
every living thing
it touches

I trust
knowing
this is the ultimate
truth
of our being
here,
the only thing
that matters
what ever
happens
here

28/10/2021