Haunting words

“This is what I want to
stay alive for”
Words tumbling out
On the cliffs
Above Bethells Beach
Deeply affected
By the beauty
Of the place..
In search of healing
After surgery
Sixteen years ago

How can a mother
Facing her own mortality,
Say THAT?

Repeating the story
A number of times
In spite of myself,
In safe company only,
As if hearing it
One more time,
As if the honesty
Of the telling

Might lift the veil
Of bewilderment
And shame..
Might shine the light
Of insight..
Might redeem my
Parenting,
Somehow

This time
Sixteen years on
Infused by love
Of nature’s beauty
The story surfaces
Once again
Feeling the puzzling
Truth of it
Once more

Slowly understanding dawns

Wanting to stay alive
For this..

Feeling
The zinging
Raw beauty,
The absolute
Truth
Of Nature
Elating
Every cell

Alone at this time

‘Alone at this time’…
Unleashes the weight
Of culture
Conditioning
Tradition
Expectation
Guilt
Discomfort
Within and
Around me
There seems to be
A need to explain
Justify
Reassure
Soothe
Myself

There’s the reality
Of family
Not around
I should have been there
But I’m not

There’s the reality of friends
Embedded in theirs –

“You’re welcome to join mine”
Holds no appeal
This year

There’s my reality of Christmas as
‘The dawning of new light’,
In the middle of Summer
Deeply
Not making any sense

There’s another reality
Of just another day
In the blazing glory
Of ‘The Christ
As the universe’

Just another day
In the blazing glory
Of being human
Intricately
Interconnected
With everything

If only
I can see it
Remember it
From moment
To moment

Maelström

What is this life
But a temporary inhabiting
Of a shell of flesh and bones
Creating memories
Pleasant unpleasant

Living Wonder
Excitement
Hope
Love

Living fear
Anxiety
Despair

Connection
With the big view
Connection
With others
Compromised
Feared
Wanted
Oh wanted
With every cell

But what am I wanting?
What do I think
Isn’t here already?

My *thinking*
I’m withdrawing
I’m afraid
I’m in love
I’m sad
I’m confused
I must DO something
Significant…
Is what’s separating me
From the fullness
The vibrancy
Connection
And love
That always
Already is
Everywhere

Parting gift

Once more on my way
At thirty thousand feet
For thirty three hours
To say goodbye
Will I make it in time… ?

But the real work
Already more than done
At our last
Farewell

Those few minutes
In the endless
Warmth

Of your eyes
That were drinking in
Every last drop
Of me

Of your hands
That kept caressing,
Not wanting to forget,
Every last little touch
Of me

Of your heart
That overflowed
Enveloping
Drowning me
And you and me
And you
With love

More than done
More
Than
Enough

Soft

Today I am soft
Soft centre
Soft skin
Gentle words
Kind actions
Tenderly wrapping
Fear and pain
In an embrace
Till they too
Soften
And dissolve
Into pliable
Soft
Resilience

Breakfast tears at Aio Wira

Eating porridge,  muesli and fruit
Memories of the last visit
Flooding in
Supported by Di’s loving presence
And a different way
To see cancer
Starting to be able
To gather
The splattered bits
Of me
Tears start dripping
From the corners
Of my eyes
Running down
My nose
I let them
For this moment
Turning inward
Reliving the fear
The relief
The gratitude
For a centred journey through
To a new life

Until I look up
And see the face of my dear friend,
No longer here,
On the person at the other side
Of the table

Single drips
Turn into a mostly silent
Flood of grief
And sobs
A box of tissues
Miraculously appears
In front of me
Feeling held and supported
By the kind and silent
Presence of the others
Around me

The wave engulfs me
Momentarily
Then washes through
And breaks softly
On the shore
Of here and now
Spent
Revitalising
And cleansing
This moment

Revisit Two Thumb and Mavora Lakes

These last ten days
This day and night
My birthday once again
Savouring the minutes
Walking hours on end
Under a bright and hot sky
Amongst the grandeur
Of the land
I call home

Breath working
Heart pounding
Muscles pushing up the face
Of another uphill slope
While eyes and mind
Can barely fathom the scale
And beauty of things
All around me

Crossing gurgling streams
That slide or bubble along
Joining an endless river
To North Mavora Lake
And the ocean
Way beyond

Lying in my little tent
Miniscule below the copper sky
Fresh air brushing my face
Through the mesh that is meant
To protect me from the elements
And sandflies

Heart and soul singing
They know
I’m home

Feb 2017

Going home (Day 90)

Today is the day
We’ve started
Making our way
Back home

Three months of
Walking
Cooking
Eating
Sleeping
Shopping
Negotiating and adjusting
Plans and expectations
Amongst three strong
And independent women
Is no small feat

Opportunities galore
To practise letting go
Being generous
Starting again

The many hearts
Seen on the journey
My reminders to let each be
In freedom and safety
Some remembered in time
Other occasions lost

I’m happy
I have lived the dream
Of walking the land
Of the country
I call home

I’m grateful
To have been able
To walk this journey
With two dear
Friends
To have been able  to share
Some of the
Indescribable beauty
With them

I’m ready to be
In my own space
Once again